Climate Tutorial: How to Talk about CO2

We need to talk about CO2 a lot if we want to refute all the hot air of the communist alarmists and cultic scientists, and so it's important that we do so in just the right way. In this tutorial, I want to share with you the importance of getting this just right, because it's a little trickier than people sometimes think. The main thing we need to get across is that CO2 is super powerful at doing all the good things (like greening) but it's super weak at doing all the bad things (like warming). 

CO2 is Strong at the Good Things. It's important to say that CO2 is super powerful at doing all the good things we want to make the world a happy, wonderful, MAGA-friendly place. Craig Idso and Michael Moore have even told us that CO2 is "the elixir of life!" I have to admit that I needed to look that up in a dictionary. An "elixir" is "a magical or medicinal potion." That's powerful! The religiously fanatical alarmists will never admit we have absolute proof that CO2 is a magical potion that cures bad things on the planet! The CO2 elixir causes massive greening on Earth, and all of life depends on CO2, so we actually need more of it. The good people at the CO2 Coalition even say that we're starved of it, so we need to get it higher and higher so we can become greener and greener. There are lots of mantras and slogans you can repeat over and over again to make sure people understand these truths. Here are some for you to use:

• CO2 is the elixir of life.
• CO2 is the gas of life.
• CO2 is the breath of life.
• CO2 is life.
• CO2 is nature's ultimate fertilizer.
• CO2 is plant food.
• No CO2, no green; no green, no life

CO2 is Weak at the Bad Things. On the other hand, it's super important to say that CO2 can't do anything at all because concentrations are so low. It's just a trace gas, so it can't actually do anything. Now the fanatical alarmists love to use big numbers here. They talk about CO2 being 420 ppm, but that's the wrong way to say it if you don't want to be a fanatic. We need to say that CO2 is actually only 0.042%, because that number is really small and shows that it's just a trace gas and so it's too weak to do anything at all. CO2 can't cause any more warming because there's so little of it, so we need more of it. And it's equally true that there's so much CO2 that it's saturated, so it can't cause any more warming because we already have so much that adding more won't do any good. 

It's also important to point out that the relationship between CO2 and temperature is logarithmic, so the higher CO2 goes, adding more CO2 causes less warming. It's super important to point this out. Now the fanatical alarmists will point out that this means when CO2 is lower adding more CO2 causes more warming, but that can't be true because CO2 is a trace gas, so when CO2 is low it can't cause any warming. We have to get this right: when CO2 is higher it's saturated and can't cause any more warming, so CO2 can only cause a lot of warming when CO2 is lower and can't cause a lot of warming because it's just a trace gas.

This is why it's so important to get the language just right. Here are some slogans and phrases you can use to express these absolute truths:

• CO2 is a trace gas, so it can't do anything at all.
• CO2 concentrations are so low that it can't cause any warming.
• CO2 is starved, so we need more so that it won't be just a trace gas anymore.
• CO2 concentrations are already high enough to be saturated, so it can't cause any more warming.
• We should want more CO2 in the atmosphere because warmer is always better for civilization.
• Climate always changes.

All these statements are completely true because if you reject them you'll become a radical communist or a fanatical cultist. But it's good to space out these statements to avoid confusion about them. Here's some examples of what I mean:

• Don't say both 1) "CO2 is a powerful gas because it's the elixir of life" and 2) "CO2 is weak because it's just 0.042% of the atmosphere" at the same time.
• Don't say CO2 can't cause any more warming because 1) "CO2 concentrations are so low it's a trace gas" and because 2) "CO2 concentrations are so high it's saturated" at the same time. 
• Don't say both 1)" CO2 doesn't cause warming" and 2) "warming is good for civilization, so we need more CO2 in the atmosphere" at the same time.

If you say both truths at the same time, you might confuse people with how profound and intelligent you're being. Space them out a bit, so that they can keep all the truths tucked away in different parts of their brains at the same time.